And more…


His hair brush – he was always so meticulous about his appearance, especially his mustache; we found the piece of ‘gold’ costume jewelry in the car park before the Cirque show we went to see in Toronto – it had obviously fallen from a costume at the old military ┬ábase where Soleil were preforming; that was real magic. I bought him the ‘sheriff’s star’ at Yosemite, the day that he felt too poorly to go into the national park and I left him, resting at the nearby motel [I felt so guilty that day].IMG_6195[1] IMG_6196[1] IMG_6201[1] IMG_6197[1]

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Keeping memories

It’s been a while, I guess – that’s a good sign that I’m ‘moving on’ – not forgetting, but Jeju allowed me to see new horizons, but now I’m back home, I need to clear the decks a bit and that means throwing away things that are wonderful memories, but otherwise clog the drawers!

Jewellery and notes, objects that meant so much to you and I, perhaps no one else – time to really let go, but it’s good knowing that I can see them here, any time I need toIMG_5372 IMG_5374 IMG_5376 IMG_5377IMG_5382 IMG_5378 IMG_5380 IMG_5381 IMG_5383 IMG_5385 IMG_5386 IMG_5388 IMG_5389 IMG_5799.

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Between ‘Rosanne’ and ‘Friends’ was ‘Cybill’. It wasn’t big and it certainly wasn’t clever, but on a Friday night after a tough week at work, it did the trick.

Mostly, it has to be said, thanks to the camp vitriol of Cybil Shepherd’s markedly more funny sidekick, ‘Mary-Anne’.

She’s gone onto bigger and better movie roles but between 1995-1998 [good years for us], this really tickled you.

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I never got ‘Shameless’ at the time. Tony did. He bought all the DVDs – I’ve got them here. Watched episode 1 today.
I’m still not sure I get ‘Shameless’ -yes, it’s Shakespeare, it’s Brecht, Eugene O’Neill on a housing estate, but it’s so mucky and however brilliant David Threlfall is it, I can’t help feeling to a certain extent there’s an awful lot more of him in that part than his middle-class luvviness reveals attempts to hide. I remember renting ‘Nicholas Nickleby’ to show Tony – Threlfal’s Smike – now that’s a performance.
I’ll try again next week.

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Things Tony hated…

My beautiful man had his darker moments – mostly inspired by the following [in no particular order]

1. The Beatles – couldn’t bear them; didn’t mind the songs if sung by somone NOT a Beatle. [not a big fan of the Stones either].
2. Films with unhappy endings – he’d leave the room if something awful was going to happen [or turn his head to one side, wince, and sigh as if with a terrible headache]; couldn’t stand ‘Thelma and Louise’ [one of my favourites], because they ‘get it’ in the end, along with ‘On Her Majesty’s Secret Service’, ‘Nicolas and Alexandra’ but not ‘Midnight Cowboy’, which was one of his favourites.
3. Disney classics – he’d seen them all when he’d been a Dad the 1st time round – loved Pixar, quite liked the new Disney’s [‘Tarzan’, ‘The Lion King’ etc.], but he’d rather push nails into his eyes than sit through ‘the Jungle Book’ another time.
4. Boardgames – oh, my God, hated them – he and his siblings would each get a snakes and ladders or similar as kids and he never liked them since.
5. Breaking the law or cheating generally – sure, he must have made some mistakes as a younger man, but 2nd life around he was a man of total integrity and if I ever tried to cut corners myself [dumping a mattress over a wall, when we moved from London, for example], he was NOT impressed !
6. Pizza – heart-attack victims are told they can eat anything except fish and chips and pizza – Tony was not heart broken ! He hated pizza. We went to the birthplace of the Chicago Deep-pan Pizza once. His idea of hell – he grimaced and grudgingly chewed joylessly throughout the whole evening.
7. ‘The Apprentice’ and ‘Dragons’ Den’ – how do I group these ? Business-based reality shows, I guess. Nope – couldn’t stand them.
8. ‘Big Brother” – started well – he loved series 1 [chickens and a lesbian nun – what’s not to love ?], he even forgave BB2 for its worse excesses when it was won by openly gay ‘Brian’ , but therafter things went VERY downhill. Probably the thing that Tony hated most !
9. My driving. I drove too fast – apparently. Sometimes good humoured about it – often very severe !
10. Visiting Art exhibitions. He could do Art Nouveau/Deco, sparkly jewellry, furniture, even the occasional painting, but once we went in a big retrospective show and I, in Tony’s words, spent ’10 minutes looking at each artwork’, he was ready to run.

11. People staring at him. I know – he had the magnificent, MAGNIFICENT moustache – what did he expect ?, but boy did he get pissed off when people stared. Tried to pass it off with good humour – blew a kiss if the wrong guy stared, but that ugly old mullet in Somerfield’s in Worcester Park in the earlt 90s was very lucky not to get a slap from my lovely man !

12. Injustice, prejudice [the normal stuff that most but not all people hate]

13. Arguments

14. Long car journeys [unsuprisingly]

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Hawaii and San Francisco
TV Dance shows; Runway and Tyra
walking along the beach
the stags
our civil ceremony
‘holding hands in the scary bits’
and the scary bits
Both Sides Now

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Like a landmark, like a sodding, stupid landmark. I remember 3 years ago as clearly as if it was a few hours ago. His voice waking me. And yet, I’m in a life so totally different now that I’m completely detached from the life that came before it. Maybe I’ve looked at every photo so often that I’ve forgotten the man who is in the photo. It’s yesterday and yet it’s ancient history. I still talk to you. I still wish you ‘goodnight’.I still wish.

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